Guest writer returns with more dynamical worbeage
Family
Vacation in Terroronto
Before you read this misadventure of
sorts, keep in mind that it is 100% true. Yes this is my life as the "
Drama Queen". Why is my life so twisted and funny?? Well I bet your lives
are too, but you just don't have the nads to actually peel back all those layers
of falsehood that you spent your life building up. Time to set loose dweebs, and
tell the world what the real you experiences day by day. I am mearly the
catalyst in this equation, so listen anfd learn from a from me, the white
suburban third generation Transylavanian vampire.
Rocktober 8th 2000, I arrive in a place
in Canada called Terroronto. For those that do not know where Canada lies you
can take an Atlas and stuff it up your ass sideways. Terroronto is where most of
my relatives live and that's all you need to know. Six days where spent in
Terroronto all in pure misery, thinking about what Mr. Dontshakethebay and
Brighton Lessard were up to and how much more drinking i could have done with
them. I cried.
If any of you have gone on a family
vacation with your family after not going on any trips together for years, you
must be aware that after that elapsed time period of nonvacation follows pure
burning tortureous hell. So TAKE NOTE : Do
not make the mistake I did and go on vacation with your parents! I don't care if
they what to fly you to Greece. You just don't do it! So the trip goes about 98%
BAD. But that's okay, cause the real treat lies ahead, on the journey back to
Dreadmonton.
The reason that we went to Terroronto
was cause it was my cousins wedding. Yeah that was all great. It was a big
traditional Transylvanian wedding with all the fixins. You name it!! I was even
sat a table with 7 very foxy bachelors. Dream come true. I think my cousin
organized that cause she thinks I'm
a lesbian. We had the best of everything , gobblets of fine red blood, virgins
ready for sacrifice, I tell ya I couldn't have asked for a better planed event!!
For the nonvampires there was steak and lobster. I as a vampire had never tried
this shelled creature, so I decided hell yeah might as well. It was pretty
tasty, but apparently when I was in the can puking my internal organs out of my
esophagus I realized that hey, perhaps lobser does not agree with my vampiric
system. So there went the end of the evening, vomiting lobster for a good 3
hours. Was I drinking? No. All they had for beer was Canadian, and they ran out
of tonic so there goes gin. Cola beverages for me please. So thus the wedding
ends.
Some days go by and we hang out with
more family blah blah blah and then it's time to go back to Dreadmonton. I was
super happy to get back to my house, cause I now hate Terroronto! The magic
steel air bird that we travelled on was schedualed to leave at 9:27 pm. We
arrived two hours prior to check in and stuff. So I had my plane ticket in hand
and I was set. I could smell the freedom but I wasn't quite there. To avoid any
further conflict with my family I decided that I was going to walk around the
air bird station and find my self some nutient rich humans and a bodily
secretions station. My father told me to give him my ticket just in case I lost
it during my travels in the air bird station. So I did to again avoid conflict.
We had decided too meet at 8:30 to board the plane. So I did my scoping for a
bit and decided to go back but at 8:20. Time rolls by and nobody is around.
8:45, 9:00 and nothing. The first thing that runs through my mind is.....they
ditched me. I had them paged twice with no success. At 9:15 I see me mother
passed the security zone breazing past with a look of serenity on her evil
little face. So I called to her twice and she ignored me!!! Aaarrggh matee,
that's a rough ship she sails. So I got the security guy to get her and with not
a single word and those beady little eyes glaring at me she hands me my ticket.
Not a single word is exchanged on the
air ship and that's partly cause they had arranged for me to sit far far away
from them between fat people that smelled very badly. So to appease my
aggrivation I took out my disk man and listened to the Back Street Boys to calm
my nerves. We finally get home and I over hear my father say "....we should
have left her in Toronto....." I did not cry, I just claimed my baggage
with dignity and set sail for the Jimmy where I claimed my rightfull back seat.
To this day, 4 days later we have not shared a word or glance and that is okay
with me. And what is it that I did wrong, that is part of the unexplained. A
blank hypothesis, experiment incomplete...sigh.
editors note:
The preceeding was another guest piece by my friend whose amusing bogus pen name I can't remember. She is funny, you might also be funny, but not as funny as her.