The full meaning of quitting smoking just impressed itself upon me about three minutes ago, and it is fucking heavy. It is a fairly serious concept that just occurred to me, no more smoking, ever. No more smoking of course sounds good, which is because no more smoking = fucking smart. When I look at it objectively I am not thrilled with the fact that I'm so foolish that I knowingly poison myself.
On the other side, the fact that the anti smoking lobby is so willing to stomp on my freedoms annoys me, and it amounts for 50% of the reason I still smoke. I hate people telling me what to do and I love refusing to concede to their endless fascist pressures. Their intentions are slightly good, but their methods amount to tyranny of the bozo majority. Some of you agree with me, others don't, who cares. I think it is stupid to tell people what to do, but it is very stupid for me to continue to poison myself just to spite the shitheads that are trying to take away my freedoms.
Dying of cancer will not make me a martyr for the freedom to smoke, it will make me a stone cold sucker. Tobacco companies engineer cigarettes to be more addictive, and I can't deny that is more than Scooby Doo villain evil. Me dying to line the pockets of those bastards is totally retarded.
I have been planning on quitting for a year now, but all I have done is cut down. I've cut down a lot, but not enough. I have to quit smoking to ensure a long and healthy life of complaining about how stupid everything is.
Can I do it? Of course. But man is this going to suck.
In other news I had planned on making dstb t shirts and selling them on line about 2 years ago, but I was too busy actually writing for dstb. Luckily I lost my edge, so now I have a designed a logo to put on the shirts. In the near future there will be a dstb shop where you can buy shirts, stickers, a book I wrote and anything else I can find lying around the dumpster in the alley or my car that I think I can unload on you stupid fuckers.
Here's the fantastic shirt design and how it will appear.
I am going to sell the shirts for $13 canadian and I am thinking of using pay pal to sell the shirts and then courier them to you at your expense, which I think is only a few bucks more anyway. I guess $13 is a little steep, but otherwise I'd be throwing away money. The shirts will be black with off-white print and will be available in all sizes except fatso xxxl or baby doll, unless there is interest in the baby doll shirts, in which case I will be quite sexily surprised, but that seems unlikely.
I heard the other day a while ago they found a fully preserved wooly mammoth frozen in Russia in ice. The previous sentence is amazingly poorly written. The wooly mammoth is so intact that scientists might actually pull out its DNA and maybe use a lame boring modern elephant as a surrogate baby's momma to grow a new wooly mammoth clone.
This has me very excited. I'm dreaming of packs of dozens of terrifying giant ZZ-Top styled pachyderms thundering across frozen freeways shattering the pavement and tossing SUV's through streetlights while me and grog and kronk race behind them dressed in saber-tooth tiger loincloths on howling ski-doos mottled with ice and frozen giant carnivorous badger blood. Finally the life I was born for.
The idea of giant mammals stalking the earth again fills me with excitement. I guess I'm still just a kid inside but I would love to see a snowy tundra plain covered in towering furry elephants raising their tusky faces to the sky and bellowing out bone chilling shrieky roars just to remind us of how fucking rad they are.
I am also fairly impressed with the science of it. I applaud modern alchemy for giving our great sorcerers the power to raise and clone dead monsters from the ages. Why not? I know all this God-play gets some people nervous, but that's nothing more than a fear based on natural human instincts. So far cloning science has presented no obvious threats to our well being and so I assume the coast is clear for resurrecting whatever crazy things we can dig up. Wooly mammoths? Giant Beavers? Strange giant shiny black arthropods found at the helm of what appear to be fossilized derelict spaceships? Go for it!
Most of the dangerous aspects of cloning extinct species will be impossible to know until after we do it anyway, and how will we find out if we don't try? I really liked that movie Jurassic Park by the way. I suspect that almost everyone who saw that movie including myself probably missed the point. It was definitely lost on the guys who want to bring back the mammoth. Ironically that movie probably had the opposite effect of cautioning against monkeying with nature, since it presented it as a fun thrill ride in which no one of narrative significance dies.
And now on to the topic of death, and how to triumph over it!
How to survive being eaten by an angry lion.
A guy I work with told me this story, which according to him is true. There was a lion artist or zookeeper or trainer who I assume worked in a circus or zoo. It doesn't really make a difference other than that fact would provide this story with some shred of validity. Anyway this lion guy is in the cage with one of those fuckers and the fucker decides to eat him.
The lion tries to bite the guy and when he opens his jaws of doom the guy shoves his fist into the lions tonsils of doom, which causes the lion to gag. While the lion keeps trying to gag out this guys fist he keeps shoving it in further and forcing the lion to keep gagging until the lion chokes to death. Death a la Karen Carpenter. Score one for the hu-man.
This guy was an awesome example of clear thinking when the chips are down. I don't know if they teach that on the lion artist training weekend seminar, but they probably do now. I have to assume that before this event generally lion attacks went down a little differently.
Now you know how to survive a lion attack. So reading dontshakethebaby.com has now literally saved your life. Don't you think you need a dontshakethebaby t-shirt?