Drinking in non moderation
So lately I have been drinking a lot more than usual. This is all totally relative,
since my version of usual may not exactly be usual, except that a usual amount of drinking
for me is to drink usually. That last sentence was as hard for me to write
as it probably was for you to read, so I am going to try and keep this
moving. My drinking comes and goes in cycles, like seasonal weather patterns, like
tropical storms. And apparently right now is the high season. So
tape cardboard on the windows because here comes hurricane Katherine. Its
also strangely appropriate for me to give them women's names.
I shouldn't give you the wrong idea, its not actually women that drive me to drink, although they
don't make we want to drink any less. But what makes me drink is a little more complicated.
I don't really get it myself and to tell you the truth I'm not worried about understanding it.
I like cheese, I don't like knives, I like booze, I don't care why. These things are features of
human beings, like eye color or testicle radius.
So during the drinking days, which right now are lots of the days, everything is
amplified. The soundtrack is blaring, emotions do gymnastics, jokes are
more funny, ugly people are less ugly, pretty people are beautiful, idiots are
easier to ignore. Its a dream come true. But it is short
lived. The sun comes up in the morning and its back to the life of filling
in the crossword while you ride on the bus on your way to the kick in the balls factory.
So on any random tuesday or wednesday I head out to have some drinks. Drinking on a tuesday may seem weird to you. Do you think the vikings cared if it was tuesday? Great warriors don't care what day it is, because crushing your enemies or sailing your ship to certain polar death does not have weekends! Great hunters don't call off the hunt on friday at 4:30pm, or in my case friday at 12:01pm. The hunt has no days off! Neither does great triumph.
So, although I may not have just lead a great hunt and outwitted and killed a big scrumptious mastadon with only my considerable cunning and homemade spears and arrowheads or whatever, I still will drink to my accomplishments. My considerable cunning has brought me home the mighty burrito supreme, fries supreme and drink included at no additional charge. Good enough!
Being drunk all the time is not hard to manage as long as you aren't too much of a moron, the tricky part is exercising self restraint. The trickier part is knowing when to exercise self restraint and stop yourself when your common sense and impeccable taste are being warped by your drinking. That's the problem. My decision making is pretty impulsive on a good day, and it becomes a total crap shoot when I'm drinking. I might as well just carry dice and make every decision that way. That way if I wind up with a DUI or STD I can blame the dice instead of me. I'm just an innocent victim. However, luckily for now the only victims of my antics are other people.
The booze shrinks the world to a more digestible size. It helps you focus on the foreground and ignore the background that is crowding in on your ego. Being drunk redraws the map and erases all the excess space filled with other peoples problems. It replaces the 4 cardinal points on the compass with ones more suitable to my alcoholo-booze frame of reference. Goodbye north south east and west. Hello bartender, bathroom, table, floor. So I may spend the night calling everyone poo-tony or pretending I can speak spanish, which is definitely as hilarious as it sounds, and the orbit may be a little wobbly, but the center will hold. It looks a lot worse than it is.
However, if all the organs in your abdomen feel a little warm that may be a signal of something. Its like an internal greenhouse effect. If my piss turns tea colored and the whites of my eyes lose their crest sparkly white I think I will start to worry.
You may be wondering what is the point of this? Here it is. In adult life most normal people choose their own ways to live dangerously. I'm a pretty huge coward, but strangely enough I take tons of crazy risks. I've given it some thought and I think it's because I have a fear of my life cementing around my feet. I think we all live dangerously in our own ways so we can partially self destruct and also confront the fear of our own lives becoming traps. At least we're not all idiots trying to jump school buses on motorcycles.