Like me you're probably wondering what is going on with Lindsey Lohan, how come she's gotten so skinny?
The question is on everyone's lips, does she have an eating disorder? I'm gonna make an educated guess and say yes. But what if (gasp!) it turns fatal? Don't worry, right now Disney labs are busy diluting the human genome to produce another young wonder to fill the hole in our hearts if Lindsey joins Karen Carpenter in skinny people heaven.
Don't get me wrong, I don't want anything bad to happen to Lindsey Lohan, or the any of the other unique and distinct phalanx of teenage girl entertainers she is indistinguishable from. I don't want anything bad to happen to anybody. But lets just say if her eating malfunction causes her to waste away to a 65 pound waifling and then the unthinkable happens and a heart attack forever destroys a chance for Herbie 2 to see daylight, all is not lost. Another fresh faced skeletal teen will be found to assume her place. I'm confident there will be another ingénue to fill the space on the cover of the magazines and to keep young girls pretty, and to keep those cafeteria lunches swirling down suburban school toilets.
Lindsey Lohan is a human being, but Lindsey Lohan's image is a symbol. That symbol appears like a flag, or a recruitment poster in the war of the young against the old. The war where everybody loses. Our glittering civilization invests most of its energy unwisely in the least renewable resource of all, superficial beauty, and so while we fix our eyes on the latest face projected on the monolith under our feet the foundations crack from neglect. The foundations were laid by those presently old people who are gross and boring, dusty and lifeless, they have nothing to offer so lets ignore them, or ...(whisper) get rid of them.
The punch line is, the old people don't like old people either. And they never really thought getting old would happen to them. They want to be young too, and so most of us, young and old, live vicariously through other young people. And these specific young people who we live through, aside from being less smart and wise than a normal person their age have become role models, opinion leaders for the youth and even to the majority. Every day is fa-fa-fa-freaky friday and somebody took the airbags out of Herbie because her tits were too big and someone might get hurt.
I'm not really much of a large breast man myself, and I also don't like girls too skinny so all the Hiltons, Lohans and Simpsons bore or annoy me. But I'm not your typical american, in fact I'm canadian.
They say you are what you eat, but what if you throw it all back up?
The real question is; why does it seem I am so obsessed with other people's obsession with beautiful famous young people? 2 reasons.
1. Because it scares me. I am overreacting and I admit it, but youth and beauty are no compass by which to make choices in a universe that takes those things away quickly and permanently from everyone.
2. Because its easier for me to write funny stuff when I write about pop culture and how dumb people are. In fact it is the trademark of the generally lazy hack. Pick up your local newspaper or independent publication and have a look for yourself.
The truth is that articles about the stock market make pretty humorless reading because facts aren't always funny. Sure they could be, just like Lindsey Lohan could one day go to Harvard Medical School, but I wouldn't bet on it.