Winter movie round up
Christmas is on the way, all the kids are getting excited and wetting their beds twice as much, I'm getting excited and drinking at a geometrically increasing rate. And best of all, the winter movies are coming out, which I like since winter is that last big push for the oscar. Or the golden globe, that little warm up award that people take about seriously as a Cheers or Jeers from TV guide. If I was a celebrity I would start my own awards show about awards shows and call it the:
As we stare into the nothingness, the nothingness stares back Awards, or just the Awards Awards.
The whole premise would be categories like: Best publicity shots as stars enter ceremony from limousine, Most sexually disorienting opening dance number, Best Billy Crystal monologue, and Best enthusiasm generated for 3 hours of industry rhetoric. I guess that will never happen since I will never make it in show business because I'm ugly and can't act. Anyway, back to the movie round up.
Red Planet: Another movie from the genre of movies about going to mars where everything goes wrong. I have seen every going to Mars movie and now my advice for future generations who may actually wind up going to Mars, watch these movies, prepare to die.
Plausibly enough they are totally unprepared for everything that happens for the entire movie. The thing is, and it is true in every space movie I have seen for the last couple of years, the ship always breaks and causes the problem. Doesn't anyone ever test anything in the future? Doesn't anyone ever think of a back up plan?
Still Red Planet is overall one of the best Mars movies of recent years, I rank it in the top 5.
102 Dalmations: I haven't seen it, but apparently this one is about dogs. I like doggies just like anyone, but 102 of them is a lot to have to watch for more than 10 seconds. Just the thought of watching 102 dogs jumping around for 2 hours makes my head hurt. And you know they are going to be talking dogs, then kids will think that all dogs can talk. Then they'll go home and abuse their less evolved non talking dog for a while until they realize it won't quip witty no matter how many times they pull on it's tail. And in the end no one wins but Disney.
The 6th Day: Didn't Arnold already do this movie? Maybe they thought Total Recall was long enough ago that no one would recall it. Get it, recall it? Anyway, this movie I also haven't seen but it seems to be the same old story. Man gets cloned, has life stolen from him by evil duplicate to further diabolical agenda of some corporation who employs guys who wear brown leather jackets and shoot with bad aim and dangerous ultra modern women.
What is funny about this movie is that in 20 years this movie is gonna be everyone's life story. You may think its paranoid but there is no doubt in my mind that omnicorp and globobank are going to be cloning hog wild. We normals are gonna wind up in a circus, and as we try to avoid stepping in elephant dung the crowd of expressionless faces of 1000 identical alphas will watch and mock us telepathically while we monkeys do our dance.
Okay that's a little paranoid.
Unbreakable: I haven't seen it either. But it is the new film from director M. Night Shamalayan, a guy who made up his name. The last movie he did was about a small boy that did something or other involving Bruce Willis.
Anyway Unbreakable I haven't seen, but I have a vague idea what it is about from the commercials, and it seems to be about a family of spotted dogs and one rambunctious misfit with no spots at all. The family rejects him and he winds up getting rabies from a 12 pound bat he uncovers in a pizza box. Then he dies.
Bruce Willis then comes along as a man who has some sort of strange power, but I don't know what it is exactly. His unknown power is only understood by Samuel L Jackson, who is a maverick nuclear physicist that played 3rd bass for Dodgers. Then Bruce Willis dies. The end.
Almost Famous: This is the latest movie from Cameron Crowe, the director who brought us Jerry Macguire, Singles and Titanic. This movie is about a group of rig workers who are sent into space to plant a bomb on a giant meteor hurtling towards the earth. Bruce Willis is the leader of the gang, along with Ben Affleck, Frank Sinatra and Bugs Bunny they save the earth from Darth Vader.
Charlies Angels: Hot on the tail of the TV hit from 30 years ago, the Angels kick some ass in this unlikely romp through the impossible, the absurd and the retarded.
Evil never sleeps, the free world needs someone to protect us. The answer, Charlies Angels.
This time the angels are sent on a dangerous mission to run around in very fashionable womens activewear and dodge bullets like they were in the Matrix. Except in the Matrix they bothered to explain how someone could dodge bullets, so now apparently anyone can do it.
Helicopters explode, Cameron Diaz in skimpy clothes kicks thugs and cronies in the ear, cars and motorcycles zoom around, this movie seems to have every element that I require to be entertained, but somehow I'm not interested. Why? Because I don't like movies that aren't about space-ships.
Apparently they are making a Starship Troopers 2, if they can somehow squeeze the Charlies Angels into that movie I will be pumped. Either way, giant super violent bugs and spaceships, that's a good movie.
Some people think it will be awful, awful entertaining.