There are lots of things I don't understand. Some of them are Rugby, French, Algebra, Donald Duck, but I like to think its only through a lack of effort.
There are other things I just can't understand, effort or not. And here they are.
Girls.
And its not like I don't put any effort into it. I shave and shower almost daily. I have my own car, get haircuts, brush my teeth, wear socks. I do all this and more. I even have my own ultra-cool dress style, I call it "tumble-dry chic". I own many t-shirts for awesome or defunct punk bands and skateboard companies. I'm not the only one who dresses in this style, so do my friends like Brodie Bruce. And I have friends like mr. big shot Brodie Bruce.
So I go out and meet girls. I see myself as like Sammy Davis Jr, I'm singing and dancing and doing this whole routine for the girls. Its a big show. All men do it, we stage this little performance of jokes and clever remarks, expressions and actions to lure in a mate. So there I am, working my little feet to the beat, singing about a pianoman trying to win over the girls.
If my dance impresses a girl, she does her dance in return. When she does her dance, hopefully its something like Christina Aguilera, only dirty. This is the way it works. People do their dances and penises lands in vaginas.
But my problem is I have trouble understanding the girls dances. I can't tell if they're dancing for me or for the jerk beside me. It's not always obvious what they are telling you, and then girls just assume you are dense or disinterested, which is only half the truth. The girls I understand are the ones who try all the subtle stuff and then just give up and resort to being obvious. Then I know.
I'm not an idiot, I can decode the dance, but it has to be pretty much pitched at me like a softball. Keep it slow and low and I'll get it. But to make it even easier, I have decided to simplify things more. I have created a few simple signals women and men can give each other that will clear up any confusion, should the dances be just too mystifying to handle.
The dance of seduction must be made with many gestures of implication and double meaning. So I have come up with a new sort of language to carry out the dance in an up front and hopefully quicker to the sheets approach.
signal: Kindly fishwife, a rogue such as myself finds you quite appealing
translation: You're the hottest thing on skates and I want to rub my junk on you.
Sir, I cannot be sure if you are a scoundrel or gentleman
You seem to be a total asshole. But lets see if you can amuse me enough for me to let you shoot your warm DNA at me.
Madam, surely you must have many gentleman callers
Word on the street is you sleep with almost anybody, but I don't care, I'll still take a swing at your pinăta.
Sir, please remove your hat and coattails, for we have much to discuss
I would like to have sex with you, and there will be no need for condoms.
That's it. A few simple phrases to save a lot of heart-ache. But even this isn't foolproof. There are women and men out there who will abuse these signals and may even break your little chocolate heart. For those cases I prescribe this, the wise words of a certain keystone from little band I like to call Genesis.
To quote Phil Collins, "She's an easy lover, she'll get a hold on you believe it, she's like no other, she'll take your heart but you won't feel it."
Don't let her get a hold you, or you won't like what happens. And be sure and read the next installment of things I don't understand which will appear as soon as I write it.