Yesterday there was mayorial election rat race goings on in my city and those rats were a scamperin'.
Before I get to the results of who won, who lost and what we can expect in the future I'll just say this, it makes no fucking difference. It doesn't matter who you voted for. Meet the new 80 year old impotent senile bloated rotarian graft taking caucasian, same as the old 80 year old impotent senile bloated rotarian graft taking caucasian. Ironically enough this is what actually happened, since the previous mayor was voted in again proving name recognition is actually more effective than any type of political agenda or platform. Those concepts are the vestigal organs of politico-sapiens, a new race of bipedal shithead who can be recognized by their glued on smile, the absence of a heart or a brain, and their fingers in your pockets.
The political landscape is populated exclusively by these douchebags, who were the same weasely fucks who ran for class president in school, students union during university and onwards and upwards through the corridors of power to a mighty throne at our city hall that looks like a sound stage from Robocop 2. Its hard to remember these weasely fucks since they were and are completely unremarkable and useless. They are entirely forgettable with the only exceptions being their impossible absence of any traits, defining characteristics or accomplishments and their ability to somehow generate prolific resume experience in the abscence of any traits, defining characteristics or accomplishments. If you remember them you probably thought they were shitheads back then, but now they're your masters, and their favorite thing is sucking your ass for your money. They decide your fate and you don't give a shit. Because you know its useless. The voter turnout for this election was less than 25%. That makes sense if you think about it. I know its pointless to vote because my vote is diluted by the tonnage of rare idiots that bother to vote in a civic election and then vote for guy whose name they recognize. Why not just flip a coin? Or better yet, stay the fuck home.
It doesn't matter who you vote for because anyone running in municipal politics is more crooked than a 24 hour pizza delivery business. Its as corrupt as an Italian president and as democratic as a South American parliament.
The incumbent was a wiley old mummy by the name of Bill Smith. But his Big Willy Style mainly involves parking in handicapped spaces and lining his pockets with kickbacks from local land scams. He has a website which highlights the accomplishments he has taken credit for during his last term and explains the visions of his strategy for things he thinks he can take credit for in the future. Such achievements he claims are creating jobs, bringing in business, increasing prosperity, and about 9 other things that basically mean he did absolutely nothing but continuously existed during the economic growth of the last half a decade.
On the topic of politics, like many unemployable itinerant post college drunks I have a degree in something known as political science. Amusingly enough I know nothing about politics or science. How I got this degree can easily be explained by how easy it is do get a degree in anything with enough years and lack of anything worthwhile to do. The vaguary of an education in political science basically means that when anyone asks me what a degree in political science means, I can only answer, political science is all around is, it flows through everything in the universe.
One thing I do know about politics is that I would rather press a 38 automatic to my forehead wrapped in a canadian flag and blast my brains out then be in politics.
But this city is in trouble. Bill Smith won the election and now another era of fat simpleton politics will defy reason and vanquish the poor and marginalized. We need a new mayor, I suggest it be me.
I have a platform I drunkenly put together this week. I call it the 4 pillars of democracy. 1. Burn this city to the ground, or at least city hall. 2. Rent hotel rooms at the Sheraton for all the homeless and give them wine and matches. 3. Rezone downtown as a skatepark/wild condor reserve, force all businesses to comply with insane environmental regulations to protect the condor. 4. Burn this city to the ground.
Then I would like to open a new planetarium, directly across the street from the old planetarium. Edmonton used to have an amazing planetarium called the space and sciences center. It was jam packed full of semi informative scientific materials and 70's era techno amusements like:
1. The static ball that makes your hair stand on end exclusively if you are a small waiflike northern european lowland child.
2. The hall with 2 facing mirrors allowing you to see your reflection in your reflection. This is meant to be a cheap simulator of infinity giving you a feeling much like watching a blink 182 video so self referential it feels like a moebius of beginnings and endings winding a grotesque helix of eternal adolescence and cheap laffs like a copy of a copy of a copy with no original just a sucking emptiness from which nothing can escape.
I got a little out of hand there. But the other thing the space and science center featured was this:
3. The worlds funnest video game. The moon lander. Here's a simulation.
So the planetarium that at one time housed science now houses nothing but giant primary colored exhibits of crap. No space, no planets, no mirrors!
So my space and science center will be better. I will focus on the older sciences like alchemy and spontaneous generation. This will include a model of the earth that is flat as it actually is and the sun will revolve around the earth you see. The Great Hall of Sorcerers will have animated biographies of Tycho Brahe, St. Tomas Aquinas and all the other mistaken geniuses.
Basically, my agenda includes mass chaos and a new space science center.
I am sick of this campaigning already. I changed my mind, I don't want to be mayor. Fuck it, keep voting in your Bill Smiths. The worst that could happen with him in charge is we all wind up homeless, listlessly stalking the icy avenues of a dead metropolis. Actually that is pretty bad.