This is dedicated to my friend Ed who is a genuis.
My friend flew back on an airplane to visit his friends and on the plane he noticed the safety card was packed with amusing things. So I scanned in the thing and put some big red numbers and blue circles on it to highlight the hilarity.
1. Look at the guy under this circle, what is this guy doing flying on a plane? He really should have caught a steamer to America and stayed away from those flying contraptions. And what is going to happen when Sir Autumnbottom doesn't make it to the scheduled landing due to a plane crash. Somewhere in some airport a horse drawn carriage is waiting to pick this guy up and take him to the orphanage to grab up some kids to work in his coal mine.
2. The above picture is telling you not to try to save your handbag or sack lunch in case of crash, good advice. The lower box is showing you not to jump onto the rubber slide when you flee from the death filled wreckage. I like the way the guy on top is like leaping on to the slide. It looks like fun. I think if I'm in a plane crash and I'm about to hop on the plastic slide I'm gonna have fun with it. Chances are within the week you will be eating a fellow passenger's mangled leg to survive, so you should get your laughs where you can.
3. Above this number is a picture telling you to look out the window before you pop open the emergency exit door. If you see the engine and wing engulfed in flames, the ocean playfully lapping at the fuselage, or presumably the landscape whipping past at 600 mph, you should not open the door.
I suspect that in the event of a crash, whatever is outside that door is either gonna suck, or be sweet freedom from a fiberglass coffin. If it sucks I'd let someone else open it and just climb out the hole where the roof ripped off.
4. The little picture beside this number of the people kissing their ass goodbye shows a plane augering into an ocean or mountainside. My thought is that if your sailing into a mountainside, wave your arms and scream. What the hell, your probably gonna die. I'd just let the fur fly.
5. Below this number is the plane resting nicely on the water like a big funny raft. Realistically this plane is gonna be under the water and in about a million little pieces. But lets just say somehow this plane didn't explode and sink on impact. I like what a calm peaceful scene this is. This is the last calm scene before hysteria, dehydration and psychosis set in. The next image in the sequence would be sun bleached shark bait floating along in their seat/floatation device and rubber rafts packed with very hungry insane people.
What am I trying to say with this that you haven't already heard in fight club. Planes are very safe almost all the time. But during the rare occasions when a plane crashes it becomes substantially more dangerous. When this thing goes down I'll wager all bets are off for how to survive. Grab that sack lunch, shove the guy dressed like a 19th century dickenzian capitalist out of the way and scramble for that raft. Its a jungle out there baby.