How to get fired
Jobs are garbage, I hate jobs.
I remember my last years of servitude before I broke loose of my chains.
The fascist trumpet blows morning revelry and its fast out into the fields, backs burning under the oppressive sun with no shade in sight. Hours drag by, wearing years on our faces. When the light has finally gone from the day, the trumpet blows again. We go into the foundry to haul out the mountain of remains from the bonfire of dissident's skeletons.
That may be slight overstatement of what its like to work at a ski hill rental shop, but the basic idea is there. I don't want to be a slave, I've spent too many years cow-towing to the running dogs of the gluttonnous imperials.
That and I can't keep a job because I'm totally unemployable. I yell at my boss, take 2 hour breaks, eat and go to the bathroom every 20 minutes, I'm a nightmare.
So here's list of ways to break free of your annoying job. I have given each method an amusing and easy to remember name to deepen the humor and make it easier to remember.
Mr. High Metabolism - Caffeine and sugar can be a dangerous combination, so can whole grain muffins, salad, doritos, soup, big mac's, watermelon, corn on the cob, chocolate cake and fettucine alfredo. The trick to this strategic technique is that if you're not eating, you're in the bathroom. Eat and go to the bathroom as often as possible. Boggle the minds of your coworkers by eating gravy and pork chops during meetings and guzzling 44 ounce big gulps at the copy machine.
Sticky Fingers - Someone left a discman in the lunchroom and now its missing! Anyone seen my watch, I left it in my desk? These questions will swirl around your office like a kleptomaniac tornado thanks to your habit of stealing anything nailed down and the thing its nailed to until someone catches you red handed.
Teleconference - Distance can grow between yourself and any close, semi close or minor acquaintances without constant contact. Luckily you can keep in touch with those old friends in Uruguay, and even make new ones or attempt to learn a new language thanks to a remarkably expensive fiber optic network spanning the globe. Phones at work provide access to this opportunity at a minimum cost to you.
DNF (did not finish ) - Not everyone can come in first, but almost anyone can come in last. No need for that pressure, why finish at all? Any job worth doing shouldn't be in your hands anyway since your completing it is a total assurance of its failure. Better to get it started and then ignore it and wait for someone else to take care of it properly.
The Human Desktop In-Tray - A variant of the DNF except you don't even start projects. It lands on your desk where it remains like an orphan in swaddling abandoned in cypress woods awaiting death from exposure or predators. When asked why it wasn't finished simply cast your arm across the mountain of other neglected duties and explain how obviously busy you must be to be neglecting so many different things so comprehensively.
The bottomless timecard - Hourly pay exhibits the obvious disadvantage of only earning you money while apparently at work, but this strategic weakness can easily be exploited. A timecard can be creatively doctored a la mission impossible to create the appearance of many more hours of sub-par workplace attendance and performance.
Power lunch - Ever notice what energetic dynamo's people become after drinking heavily. If the TV series M*A*S*H is any proof, alcohol improves serious battlefield surgery. The French believe a little wine with lunch will loosen up the mind. By this reasoning, a gallon of vodka will get those synapses blazing with creativity.
Hands Off Management - Tired of underlings that can't succeed in performing a chimpanzee's task without absolute supervision. What they need is autonomy. Empower them. Flatten the hierarchy of your organization by offering no direction or instruction whatsoever. As potentially cognitive creatures they should find a shiny shape or blinking light to occupy them during your workplace's fatal slide.
Johnny Needles - Not everyone knows that needles can be used to inject more than just insulin or heroin. Glucose and vitamin enriched solutions to name a few can be shot into that mainline just like Asia's finest cooked up white poison. Why not shoot up anything, anytime? Disposing of these needles can be tedious. But something people love is easter egg hunts, and also what's more fun than surprises? Think of this as an opportunity. A hilarious place to hide surprises is other peoples chairs, the floor, under piles of papers, immersed in coffee pots. Let your imagination be your pilot!
The Karate Ninja - Martial arts movies have always been popular. Bear this in mind, and re-enact your favorite scenes from these movies with unsuspecting co-workers in high visibility areas during the workday. There is not much that is funnier than handing someone a stapler and saying, "now attack me with this". Then attempt to break their legs. Another amusing face of this is to constantly remark about coworkers are slow and undisciplined after smacking to the ground the handful of papers their carrying.