Description: Some kind of semi edible bird that probably lives near water.

Facts

Judging from the photo they are probably anywhere between 2 inches and 12 feet tall

Not known yet if they like eating old peoples medication so it is better to just avoid them or smash them with a broom if you see them.

No one knows for sure if it was them playing that loud music all night and leaving those beer cans and condoms in front of the civic center, but it sure as hell was somebody.

Omens

If you see two of them in one day, your children are planning to kill you by tampering with your car brakes and collect the insurance.  Since you don't know how to un-tamper the brakes, threaten to change them out of your will forcing them to fix the brakes.  Might not work, but what else you got?

Description: Its a water bird that looks a fucking lot like a duck, but they all do, why don't they just call them all ducks anyway?

Facts

Last week when that big chevy hit your car and no one saw the driver, could have been one of them.  Really there is no way to know, but rumors have to start somewhere.

Omens

Seeing one of these at dawn means your now obsolete genitalia will embarrassingly spring to life during your granddaughter/son's elementary school play making you the subject of much negative media attention.

Description: You probably see these circling the golf course when you're on the back nine, they can smell animals nearing the end, so you will see them pretty much all the time.

Facts

They may be called turkey vultures but don't confuse them with that hilarious cartoon turkey foghorn leghorn, these things don't fuck around.  Nor do they speak in amusing broken sentences and redundancies,

"Well I say, I say, I think today I am gonna kill me a rotarian"

They are only strong enough to overpower a small child though, so you could pay a medium sized child to defend you from them when they inevitably attack.

Omens

Try and guess.